Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing,
"You are the reason I don't have my wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".
He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says, "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".
Friday, May 21, 2010
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, “Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!"
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,'
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering an answer.
Friday, April 9, 2010
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
''You must be an engineer," said the lady balloonist.
"I am", replied the man. 'How did you know?'
''Well", answered the lady in the balloon, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."
The engineer below responded, "You must be in Top Management."
''I am", replied the lady balloonist, "but, how did you know?''
Monday, April 5, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
So one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"
The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"
The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to buy my wife anything!!!"
They both looked at him and asked how he managed that!
The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or Intercourse?"
She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this; it might get chilly out there!"
Thursday, March 18, 2010
A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.
Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her too."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied “Join the queue.”!!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 MPH and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 mph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22 November a day before Thanksgiving "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with an American Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Mr. X went on a vacation to the
With the death certificate in hand, Mr. X went to the Indian Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Mr. X that the sending of a body back to
The Consul then advised Mr. X that in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to cremate the body here. This would cost very less.
Mr. X thinks for some time and answers, "I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that’s what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it’s not that," says Mr. X. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in