St. Peter and the Three Men

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

கவியரசர் கண்ணதாசன் பற்றி...

அண்மையில் கவியரசர் கண்ணதாசன் பற்றி அவரது அருமை மகள் காந்தி கண்ணதாசன் ஒரு செய்தி சொன்னார். செட்டிநாட்டிலிருந்து எழுத்துக் கனவுகளுடன் பதினான்கு வயசுப் பையனாக சென்னை வந்தார் கவியரசு கண்ணதாசன். அன்று இரவு படுக்க இடமின்றி மெரினா கடற்கரையில் காந்தி சிலைக்குப் பின்னால் பெட்டியைத் தலைக்கு வைத்து படுத்திருக்கிறார் கவிஞர்.

நள்ளிரவு போலீஸ்காரரின் உருட்டுத்தடி அவரைத் தட்டி மிரட்டியது. நகரத்தார் விடுதிக்குப் போக வேண்டும். இரவு மண்ணாடி வரை நடந்து போக முடியாது. அதனால் கடற்கரையில் படுத்துக் கொள்ள அனுமதி கேட்ட அந்தப் பதினான்கு வயதுப் பையனின் கோரிக்கையைப் போலீஸ் நிராகரித்தது. "படு…படுக்கணும்னா நாலணா கொடு" என்று காவல் மிரட்டியது. நாலணாவுக்கு வழியின்றிக் கலங்கிய கண்களுடன் காந்தி சிலையில் இருந்து நடந்திருக்கிறார் கண்ணதாசன்.

அவர் வளர்ந்து கவியரசாகி "சுமைதாங்கி" என்ற சொந்தப்படம் எடுக்கிறார். கதாநாயகனாக நடித்த ஜெமினி கணேசனை எங்கிருந்து நடக்க விடுவது என்று யோசித்த கவிஞர் அதே காந்தி சிலையைத் தேர்ந்தெடுத்தார். நள்ளிரவு படப்பிடிப்பு. ஆனால் படத்தில் இரவு ஏழு மணி மாதிரி இருக்க கடற்கரை ரோட்டில் நிறைய கார்கள் வரிசையாக வர வேண்டும். ஏழு கார்களை நிற்க வைத்து மாறிமாறி ஒன்றன்பின் ஒன்றாக வருகிற மாதிரி படம் எடுக்கிறார்கள். வீட்டில் இந்தப் படத்தைப் பார்த்துச் சொல்லியருக்கிறார். "இந்தக் கார்களை கவனித்தீர்களா? இவை எல்லாமே நம்முடைய கார்கள். வாழ முடியும் என்று நம்பிக்கையோடு சென்னை வந்த என்னை இந்த இடத்தில்தான் நாலணா இல்லை என்று போலீஸ் நடக்கவிட்டது… இதே இடத்தில் என் ஏழு கார்களை ஓடவிட்டுப் படம் எடுத்திருக்கிறேன். நம்பிக்கை என்னை ஜெயிக்க வைத்துவிட்டது" என்றாராம்

A Bit about Enthiran

Recently I watching Enthiran movie @ Express Avenue, Chennai on 10/10/2010. Frankly speaking, I am not that much moved by the Movie. But I liked the theatre much than the movie. The movie was quite entertaining that I admit till the Interval. After that, it was too boring except a scene I like it very much.

In the climax, the Huge Robo man was chasing Vasigaran (Rajni) and Sana (Ishwarya) who were in a Bus. Rajni was busy on writing a Computer Worm. He takes a Test Tube (it seems) put it in a drive something like below.

And he continue typing the worm. Finally, he talk the infected Test Tube and put it in a Launcher (I don’t know what name to use here) and shoot it at the Robo man. You may ask what’s interesting in there. You see the drive in the above image, is nothing but,

It is a calculator. I really doubt that the movie worth that much budget in the first place.

Priest's Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation were chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and sold his sister's jewelry to buy a gun. I was appalled.

But as the days went on and I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'....

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late....

Beer Bottles

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job.

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing,

"You are the reason I don't have my wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says, "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".

Art of Appraisal

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is "average".

Ramesh: What? How come 'average'?

Big Boss: Because...err...uhh...you lack domain knowledge.

Ramesh: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.

Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.

Ramesh: What???

Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on purchasing domain.

Ramesh: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.

Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.

Ramesh: Huh? *Confused*

Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.

Ramesh: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication", you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?

Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well..I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.

Ramesh: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*

Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.

Ramesh: *head spinning*

Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.

Ramesh: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.

Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.

Ramesh: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?

Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.

Ramesh: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.

Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding'.

Ramesh: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?

Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.

Ramesh: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding'?

Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!

Ramesh: *faints*

Talking Parrots

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, “Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!"

Moving the pointer without a mouse..!

Here is how:

1. Press Left Alt + Left Shift + Num Lock Button and click OK in the dialogue box that appears.

2. In your Taskbar, a mouse-like icon will appear. Double click it and under "Mouse" tab, make sure that the "Use Mouse Keys" is checked.

3. Also ensure that the Num Lock is ON (i.e. the light must glow).

2. Now with the help of Numeric Keypad e.g. (Press and Hold the following Keys)

7 8 9

4 6

1 2 3

For normal click, press 5

Interesting, isn't it? You can also change settings under the "Mouse" tab in "Accessibility Options", by clicking on Settings

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.' The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be  damned,' Then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering an answer.

Simple Clear Story

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me Sir, can you help me? I promised a friend, I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

''You must be an engineer," said the lady balloonist.

"I am", replied the man. 'How did you know?'

''Well", answered the lady in the balloon, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."

The engineer below responded, "You must be in Top Management."

''I am", replied the lady balloonist, "but, how did you know?''

"Well," said the Engineer, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you, to solve your problems."

The Hurt Locker

Golden Template - Near Kushal Nagar, Karnataka

Saturday afternoon...

There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon, but couldn't because of their wives objections.

So one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"

The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"

The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to buy my wife anything!!!"

They both looked at him and asked how he managed that!

The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or Intercourse?"
She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this; it might get chilly out there!"

Funeral procession...!!!

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed the most unusual funeral procession.

A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her too."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied “Join the queue.”!!

Mark Gungor - Men's Brain vs Women's Brain

Happiest Father

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me." The whole audience including priest started laughing.......... but not the poor groom!!

Speeding

Mr. Sharma, a middle aged Indian immigrant in Dallas, Texas bought a brand new convertible Porsche.

He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 MPH and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.


"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 mph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22 November a day before Thanksgiving "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with an American Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"

No risks

Mr. X went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, Mr. X’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, Mr. X went to the Indian Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to Punjab, India for a proper funeral ceremony. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Mr. X that the sending of a body back to India for cremation is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as fifty thousand rupees. The Consul then advised Mr. X that in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to cremate the body here. This would cost very less. Mr. X thinks for some time and answers, "I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that’s what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it’s not that," says Mr. X. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance.